When Family Gatherings Trigger Anxiety (For Kids + Caregivers)
Supporting Emotional Regulation and Setting Boundaries that Protect Everyone’s Peace
For some families, the holiday season is a chance to reconnect. But for children with developmental differences — and for the adults who love them — family gatherings can also bring sensory overload, disrupted routines, social pressure, and a flood of expectations.
If the prospect of parenting through the holidays is leaving you more overwhelmed than joyful, you’re not alone - and you’re not wrong for having those feelings. However, with some conscious planning and compassionate communication, you can create moments during the season that support your child’s nervous system — and yours.
Why Holidays Can Be Hard on Nervous Systems
Family gatherings often include:
New or unpredictable environments;
Loud voices, overlapping conversations, and strong smells;
Pressure to perform socially (“Say hi!” “Give a hug!”); and
Relatives who mean well, but don’t fully understand others’ needs.
Many neurodiverse children mask their discomfort until they can’t anymore, leading to shutdowns, meltdowns, irritability, or withdrawal. Parents and caregivers can also feel the weight of expectations — juggling emotional support while managing their own stress and invisible labor.
Before an Event: The Power of Previewing
Anticipating a challenging event can be tough for parents and children alike. One strategy that can help lower everyone’s anxiety is talking about what you do know with your child ahead of time and offering choices where you can. This helps create a sense of predictability, safety, and control.
Some helpful activities to consider doing before a holiday event can include:
Write down anything you know about the event’s schedule (e.g., how long it takes to get there, when it starts, what time food is served, etc.) and talk it over with your child.
Plan some ways to take “micro-breaks” if needed - these could look like bathroom trips, listening to a favorite song or two in the car, or a quick walk around the block.
Offer your child choices where you can (e.g., their clothes or seat in the car).
Work together to pack a “sensory toolkit”: noise-reducing headphones, calming activities, snacks and a water bottle, and other comfort items can all be helpful.
During an Event: The Power of Scripts
Sometimes the trickiest part of holiday events is supporting other adults, not your child. You feel confident navigating your child’s needs in your own home, but other family members might not understand your choices. It can be hard to know what to say without feeling like you’re coming across as defensive, over-explaining, or rude. Here are a few example scripts that can help validate your child’s needs while keeping adult relationships intact:
For greetings: “We’re practicing consent — high-five or wave is great!”
If someone questions your parenting: “We follow strategies that support their nervous system and learning. Thanks for understanding.”
If you or your child need space: “We’re going to take a quiet break. We’ll come back as soon as we’re ready.”
For leaving early: “We love seeing you, thank you for including us! We’re going to head out now so we can leave on a positive note.”
After an Event: The Power of Self-Talk
No matter how much we prepare for the holidays, there are always things that happen that are outside our control. Taking the time to remind yourself (and if you have one, your parenting partner) that you are doing your best and prioritizing your child’s needs first can help you stay grounded through the ups and downs.
Remember - holiday success isn’t measured by how long you stay, how still your child sits, or how impressed relatives are. It’s measured by connection, safety, and moments of genuine joy — no matter how small or short they may be. You get to create your own version of “holiday magic” — one that honors your child’s brain, your bandwidth, and your family’s values.
You’re doing it right.
Need Support Navigating the Holidays?
If you find yourself dreading family gatherings or feeling unsure how to support your child’s emotional needs during the holidays, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
As a psychologist with over a decade of experience supporting families and educators of neurodiverse children, I help parents create realistic, strengths-based strategies that reduce stress and build confidence.
Sarah Gebhardt, Ph.D., NCSP
Hi! I’m a licensed clinical psychologist and nationally certified school psychologist with over 15 years of experience in schools and private practice. I help overwhelmed parents and educators feel more confident, supported, and equipped to navigate and find peace in caregiving.