How to Tell if Your Child is Being Bullied (and What to Do About It)
Spotting Signs of Bullying and What to Do Next
“Anna is a little on the shy side, but she’s never had trouble making friends and likes school most of the time. Lately, though, she seems extra quiet after she gets off the bus. When I try to talk with her about it, she gets annoyed and changes the subject. She hasn’t invited her friends over in a couple of weeks, and when I’ve suggested she ask them over, she says they’re too busy. I think something is going on, but I’m not sure…”
As a parent, it can be hard to know when your child is facing a problem like bullying. You may notice subtle signs, like a change in mood, but kids can be reluctant to share what is behind these shifts. They may fear that sharing will make things worse, or they may feel shame or embarrassment about their experiences. This post will help parents understand what bullying is, how to recognize signs of bullying, and how to respond calmly and confidently to help your child.
What is bullying? How is it different from teasing or normal conflict?
When parents and educators use the word “bullying,” they’re often referring to a wide range of behaviors—but not all negative interactions between children qualify as bullying. Understanding the difference between bullying and normal conflict can help you respond appropriately and avoid over- or under-reacting.
According to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (StopBullying.gov), bullying is:
Unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children;
That involves a real or perceived power imbalance (physical strength, social status, access to embarrassing information, etc.);
That is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.
Bullying can be: Physical (hitting, pushing, damaging property), verbal (name-calling, threats, offensive remarks), or relational/social (spreading rumors, excluding, cyberbullying).
How bullying differs from teasing (Source: National Association of School Psychologists, 2022):
Teasing can be friendly or mean, but it usually happens between children of equal power or status, and it often stops if one child objects.
Bullying involves a pattern of harm or intimidation, where one child feels powerless to stop it.
How bullying differs from normal conflict:
Conflict is a natural part of friendships and learning social skills. Both sides may be upset or angry, but the power dynamic is generally balanced and both have a chance to resolve the issue.
Bullying is one-sided. The intent is to harm, dominate, or control, and the target typically feels unsafe or unable to defend themselves.
A single disagreement, argument, or isolated incident may be hurtful but is not necessarily bullying. Look for patterns, power imbalances, and intent to determine whether it crosses into bullying.
Common Signs a Child May Be Experiencing Bullying
When kids experience bullying, they might not tell an adult directly what is happening. Instead, it can be helpful to look for patterns of changes such as:
Emotional/behavioral signs such as sudden mood swings, withdrawal, irritability (Swearer et al., 2010);
Physical signs such as unexplained bruises, lost belongings, frequent “stomachaches” or headaches; and
School-related signs such as reluctance to go to school, falling grades, avoiding certain activities.
What Parents Can Do Next
If you suspect your child might be experiencing bullying, it is normal to feel overwhelmed with anger about what your child is going through and uncertain about how to help them. The best first step is talk with your child to learn more. It can be helpful to use gentle, open-ended questions (“I’ve noticed you don’t want to go to recess lately—can you tell me about that?”), and validate their feelings without rushing to solve them. Your goal with this first conversation is to reassure your child you’re taking them seriously and you are there to listen.
After you learn more about the situation, you can then decide on next steps. At home, these steps can include modeling calm responses and practicing seeking help, encouraging supportive friendships, and connecting your child with additional help if you are seeing signs of anxiety or depression. If the bullying is happening at school or with peers from school, communicate with the school right away to let them know what is happening and partner with them to develop a plan to stop the bullying. Be sure to keep notes of incidents and communication you have with the school, and educate yourself about your school district’s bullying prevention policies.
Remember that early intervention in bullying is effective, and you can help your child recover from this experience. Bullying is emotionally intense to parent through, and parent consultation and therapy can be an important resource to help you feel confident as you support your child’s coping and advocate for their safety.
If you’re in Chicago or other areas of Illinois and looking for online therapy or consultation support, I can help. Together, we can navigate school challenges, strengthen communication, and support your child through difficult experiences like bullying.
Helpful Resources:
Child Mind Institute Video: How can I support my child or teen if they’re being bullied?
National Bullying Prevention Center: What Parents Should Know About Bullying
Sarah Gebhardt, Ph.D., NCSP
Hi! I’m a licensed clinical psychologist and nationally certified school psychologist with over 15 years of experience in schools and private practice. I help overwhelmed parents and educators feel more confident, supported, and equipped to navigate and find peace in caregiving.